Hey Battle-ax: Frustrating Housemates

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I've become so LAZY about posting on this ol' blog. Instead of making promises that will only later be broken, I am not going to tell you to come back for another post later, or tomorrow, or even next week -- because who knows when inspiration will strike again? I am just going to write this one post and see what happens next. You see, recently I had an idea to start an advice column as I was doling out unsolicited words of wisdom to (for the sake of anonymity) someone I may or may not know.

I have a habit of handing out completely unsolicited advice. I then realize what I'm doing and try to stop myself but AH CAHN'T (translation: I can't)! Next, I feel guilty and worry that everyone hates me, at least partially because I can't keep my mouth shut.

I am thinking that having a column here might help me get my advice-giving out of my system, therefore improving my interactions with other humans and animals.

But REALLY, you should want my advice because I have lived, and nothing beats experience. Did you ever spend a hellish week in New Orleans, sleeping in a bombed out brothel across the street from a FEMA trailer park only to end your trip with a "joke" tattoo? I would love to say, "me neither," but I can't because I DID. Don't be like 20-year-old me, no matter what age you are.

SEE? AGAIN! I can't stop myself. Moving on.

I am going to call this column, "Hey Battle-ax"

Here is my first post.

Hey Battle-ax,

I don't even know where to begin. I live in a city on a coast in a house with two other people on a month-to-month lease. I mention the condition of my lease because I do not plan on living in this house forever. One, I can't really tolerate the two idiots I live with. Two, I would like to live on my own -- it's just a matter of finding the right place, or Mr. Right. ;-)

Yesterday I came home from the gym and was talking to one of my best pals in the wholewideworld about the possibility of getting a dog -- someday. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. My friend constantly, even obsessively, talks about her dog all the time. Sure, it's a little completely intolerable, but  she sort of makes me want one. 

Following this conversation, three things happened that made me want to strangle someone.

First, my roommate, who overheard my conversation, asked in an equally concerned and condescending voice (the worst tone of voice -- it made me want to scalp her), "So, when were we going to talk about getting a dog? I mean, I don't mind dogs, but ..."

And then, moments later, her boyfriend came over and they proceeded to occupy our living room for HOURS while they had a tearful breakup. Seriously? Take that shit outside.

After that, I heard my other roommate having very loud, egregious sex in the room next to mine.

Was that a preview of what Purgatory will be like? 

I became so frustrated that I started drinking at 3 P.M., ignoring all of my other afternoon-responsibilities, only to have a very stressful following day as I tried to make up for lost time.

What should I do?

xoxxo
Frustrated and Living with Housemates in a Coastal City

Dear Frustrated,

It sounds like your house is a little overcrowded. Have you considered hiring a broker to help you find your dream studio a little faster, or evicting your roommates? Also, have you thought about signing up for JDate? There are lots of cute Jewish singles looking for you! I swear. My mother made me do it once and it changed my life.

If you can't do any of these things, why don't you tell your roommate that if she doesn't jump at the chance to live with a dog, she is cold and heartless and should reconsider her values? Get the pup.

Next, here's a million-dollar idea: try making loud and suggestive sounds from your bedroom when your roommate is home, or consider imitating donkeys imitating humans. Two wrongs don't make a right, but at least it'll be funny ... For you.

Last, I guess your roommate isn't going to be moving in with her boyfriend like you'd hoped,  huh? That's too bad. If worse comes to worse, you can live in our spare bedroom for a day or two. I can't promise we'll clear the clothes off of the bed, but we have Internet, cable and a constant supply of toilet paper. Since we may or may not know each other, I might or might not e-mail you my address.

xo
Battle-ax

Need advice? Feel free to write in. Send me an e-mail and I'll give you a response today, tomorrow, next year, or maybe never!

Holday Spirit -- In. To. It.

Tomorrow, I will share the last leg of our trip -- which is the actual trip itself. Did that make sense? No? Yes? I don't know. Oh well.

Today, I would like to share with you some things that we have been doing to get into the holiday spirit around the ol' homestead. While I am a purebred Hanukkah-Celebrator, Eric is a pure-bread Christmas-Celebrator, so we've been trying to get the house ready for the 25th.

First, I made this forest of trees to put on an end table. It annoys Eric endlessly because I had to move one of the room's only sources of light to a corner, and he has no place to put a drink when he lounges on the couch, but I think it looks pretty, so for now it stays.

We then went and purchased our Christmas tree.

And then we went somewhere else and spent an obscene amount of money on the biggest wreath I have ever seen, kissing balls, and other holiday greenery, including six poinsettias that I hope Barkley doesn't eat while we are away. Below is a photo of the Holiday Vagon!

Tonight, we decorate! More photos to follow, and a demonstration on how to make your own indoor forest. It may look elaborate, expensive and beautiful (I know, I am quite the decorator), but it is none of those things -- I promise! You, too, can have your own indoor forest!

Hawaiian Adventures, Getting There: Part 4

Finally, at 8 AM, it was time to board an Alaska Airlines jet, non-stop to Seattle, where we would have an 8 hour layover before boarding our last flight from Seattle to Honolulu at 10 PM Seattle time. Here we are, pictured above, in Logan Airport, before the magic  happened -- before we experienced on-air luxury.

Once we boarded the plane, naturally we walked straight through to coach -- since that's where we thought our seats were. When Eric looked at his ticket to figure out where we were sitting, he quickly realized that we were sitting in first class. In a state of pure shock and delight, he then exclaimed to the man sitting where he thought our seats were: "HOLY SHIT! We're in first class and we didn't even know it!"

The man, who already looked cramped and uncomfortable even though he had just boarded the plane moments earlier, gave my husband a look he had never seen before.

Eric then told our flight attendant, while I stood behind him looking over his shoulder, grinning, "HOLY SHIT! We're in first class and we didn't even know it!"

The flight attendant then gave us a tight smile, turned away, and desperately whispered an indecipherable code into his walkie talkie. I can only assume that he was warning the other flight attendants not to give the two commoners in seats 4 A and C too much to drink.

While up until this point in my life I had never flown first class and probably never will again, I immediately regretted eating second breakfast. I could tell third breakfast was on its way. And maybe fourth breakfast. And many, many warm snacks.

I gained four pounds on that flight and haven't been the same since.

6 hours and 4,000 calories later, we stumbled off the plane into Seattle. It was 11 AM.

We then spent the entire day gallivanting around. We went to the Public Market, the Space Needle, the first Nordstrom (I AM A SHOPAHOLIC -- this was very exciting for me, but also embarrassing), the first Starbucks and we rode the tram.

We ate delicious oysters and then Eric had the best fish sandwich he's ever had in his life, and I had the best piece of salmon I've ever had in my life. It makes sense -- we were in Seattle, after all.