Here we are with another installment of Hey Battle-ax! This week's question comes from a reader who MAY be living in my brain, or maybe in Los Angeles and s/he may or may not be my brother.
Dear Battle Ax,
I don't know what to do. I love my partner, but
there is one fundamental, irreconcilable problem in our relationship:
He likes to keep the house clean, and he wants me to participate. I
don't like to get off the couch, unless it is to go get frozen yogurt.
He says that I want to live in a pigsty, which is true. I feel that he
misrepresented himself when we were first dating, because he told me
that he loved Grey Gardens and watched it all the time while
lying on piles of old laundry, so I assumed that we made similar life
choices. But I guess that was 10 years ago and he has "evolved," so he
thinks that it's okay to call me Buffalo Bill when I leave discarded toe
nails on my desk. What should I do?? Please answer quickly, as he's
told me that he wants to clean this weekend and I have literally
thousands of hours of TV on DVD to watch.
Dear Dirty Birdie,
DID YOU WRITE THIS OR DID I? Are we living parallel lives? The only difference between our partners' desire for a clean home is their liking of Grey Gardens. You see, there was this one time when my friend Molly and her ex were visiting and we made them watch Grey Gardens after drinking a few-too-many-it's-a-holiday-weekend-and-we-don't-care-mojitos. It didn't go over well. Molly's ex and Eric both lasted about ten minutes before silently exiting the living room, retreating to their bedrooms and crying themselves to sleep while Molly and I stayed up and had a grand ol' time watching one of our favorite flicks and re-enacing our favorite scenes. I still don't understand -- who doesn't love Grey Gardens?! I digress.
While your call for help may have been written 6 months ago, Dirty Birdie, the weekend is approaching and I'm sure this problem hasn't been solved yet. I've also been told that cleaning a dwelling once doesn't mean that you never have to clean it again, so, unfortunately, I don't know what to tell you. I've learned to cope with our issue by developing this magic power where I literally don't see the tufts of dog hair collecting underneath our side tables or the piles of dirt that Barkley leaves behind when he rises from his resting place. Dirty dishes? Where? What do you mean our sink is covered in dried toothpaste and my hair? Which sink do you speak of? Did you mean to ask me if I want a drink? Come again? Let me just refresh my lipstick! With a little effort, you may be able to develop this magic power too.
Since I would rather go to the periodontist to have my gums grafted (don't google that), or go to the doctor for three shots in each arm than clean, I have no other advice for you. Eric made me clean out my dressing room a few weekends ago and I may or may not have wept on-and-off the entire time I was doing it. It's very safe to say that I haven't cleaned anything since (I'm still recovering).
What TV shows are you watching this weekend?
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
We're all wearing black dresses on Saturday night and the location we are going to has forbade sandals, so my go-to footwear, flat gladiators, are out of the question. Naturally, I spent all day Saturday looking for the perfect LBD (and thought I found it at Macy's), and then decided to order two more from Nordstrom. In true form, I then proceeded to purchase three pairs of shoes to try from the Internet because my feet! OH, MY FEET! They give me such troubles.
I gave Eric a fashion show last night, since he is becoming my top fashion adviser (what a good man). After a lot of back and forth and many eliminations, we ultimately decided on this look. I am not sold.
What about this outfit is off? Does the dress need a v-neck? Are the shoes too ... "I ordered these from Delia's and I am actually living in 1998"? Please, enlighten me. If you were to wear this outfit, how would you accessorize it?*
The other dress I ordered arrives tomorrow -- it is similar, but with the v-neck.
*I cropped this photo because it was taken after a long day and the way my entire head looked wasn't doing anyone or anything any favors.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
But seriously. What do you all want to read about? I'm ready to post again!
I can tell you about:
- Being married
- Running (I RUN NOW)
- Running items that I love
- Foods that I like to eat before I run
- Our kitchen updates
- How the dressing room is finally, FINALLY going to turn into a usable space (it's gotten about ten times worse since I took those photos)
- My journey to clear pores (still working on it -- do you have any tips?)
- How I went on an online shopping spree yesterday and ordered three different pairs of shoes and two dresses for an upcoming weekend of adventure (I AM GOING TO RETURN ALL OF IT)
- Choose your own adventure!
What do you want to read about?
Leave a comment! I love you, I love you, I love you!